Posts tagged comedian
Mitt Romney’s American Dream…
Today in 1937, George Carlin was born. This message is brought to you by Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits…
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
“We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? … And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years … The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.’” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
“I’m completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
… These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.
But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing— a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore—no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
Awesome Art Courtesy Of SaintIscariot
Alex and Liam Do Walmart…
NEWS FLASH: Mitt Romney Is Rapper Jay-Z’s “Brother From Another Mother”…
Mitt Romney’s riches and venture capitalist past have already come back to bite him in the presidential race. Late night hosts have made their fair share ofrich guy jokes, but we’ve never heard it put quite they way we did on “Real Time” Friday.
On this week’s episode, Bill Maher offered up an interesting analogy: that people like Mitt Romney for the same reasons they like rappers. They like a rich person because they want to be rich themselves, but fail to see the huge wealth inequality chasm that separates them.
Consider this: many rappers flaunt their wealth and power in music videos and repeatedly imply that it’s VIPs only, yet listeners feel included despite not having it all. Romney says he wants everyone to be rich, yet says a $374,000 speaking fee is “not much” when the annual U.S. median income is $26,353 a year. Instead of feeling ostracized, his supporters think they’re part of the 1% by association.
“No matter how clear Jay-Z makes it that the hot tub is only for the coolest and most beautiful people, somehow when the song ends we think, ‘That is us,’” Maher said. “That’s how Romney rolls — straight outta Salt Lake. Get equity or die tryin’.”
To drive the point home, Maher took a look at some photos of rich old venture capitalist and popular rappers both flaunting their cold hard cash. Not that we’d say Romney is the second coming of Tupac or anything, but the similarities are pretty uncanny. Watch the full segment above.
Courtesy of Katla McGlynn for HuffPost
How to pick up a chick…
For folks that didn’t get their fill of the GOP Presidential candidates during the Iowa or New Hampshire primaries, or the “22” (that’s right, twenty two) Republican Presidential Debates, here is your answer.
Funny or Die and Yahoo News put together the GOP Presidential Internet Online Cyber Debate, a more-than 13-minute spoof of the Republican party’s candidates.
Larry King served as moderator for the faux political showdown, which featured Newt Gingrich (Horatio Sanz), Rick Santorum (John C. McGinley), Rick Perry (Patrick Warburton), Michele Bachmann (Erin Gibson) - who was joined by husband Marcus (Bryan Safi), Mitt Romney (Rob Delaney), Ron Paul (Leslie Jordan) and Jon Huntsman (Greg Germann).
“Iowa, you’ve spoken loud and clear, I get it. There’s no “I” in Iowa,” said Bachmann. “I am thrilled to be talking to the Internet today. You know, I used to talk to the Internet all the time when it said ‘You’ve got mail.’”
Herman Cain (MikeTyson reprising his previous role) wasn’t included in the debate, but he did have an ad spot during the faux debate’s commercial break, promoting Caintime Live, a new show where he promises to count down the top 999 issues of the day.