Calls Slain al-Qaeda Leader a Job Creator
MANCHESTER, NH (The Borowitz Report) – In a rousing victory speech in New Hampshire last night, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney vowed to undo everything Barack Obama has done as President, promising his supporters, “I will make Osama bin Laden alive again.”
Mr. Romney called the assassination of bin Laden “just one of the many mistakes this President has made,” adding, “Say what you will about Osama bin Laden, the man was a job creator.”
The presumptive GOP nominee said that on his first day in office, “I will get a hold of the DNA of Osama bin Laden and breathe the life-force of capitalism back into it.”
The reanimation of the slain al-Qaeda leader is just the first of many steps Mr. Romney plans to take in his effort to get the USA “back to exactly how it was” before Mr. Obama took office.
“As President, I will immediately close down GM and Chrysler and put thousands of Americans out on the street,” he said. “And then I will try to get a hold of the DNA of Qaddafi.”
At another point in his victory speech, Mr. Romney complained that his controversial remark about “liking to fire people” had been taken out of context: “The full quote was, ‘I like to fire people – and then laugh at them.’”
Courtesy Of The Borowitz Report